Well the whole point of me deleting my facebook account was so that I do not have any knowledge of what goes on in ex's life. I do not want to be wondering, thinking about what skank he could possibly be hanging out with. (In all honesty I do not feel like he is the type of person who would be doing that right now, but just in case.)
All of this is just so unsettling and awful and really all I want to do is just call him up and work everything out because I miss him and I'm pathetic =(
Also. Tomorrow is my birthday. A lonely lonely 24.
I want my old life back..
About Me
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
FJKHSFLJKHSDF
So I'm not going to say that I'm drunk because I am not drunk. But I did have a few beers tonight (because I am a beer girl) anndd I find it so funny how just a few beers makes me just absolutely crave to text or call ex up and tell him off orrr just even start some sort of shit with him. In reality I just really want to hear his voice because that's one of the things I miss the most.
One of my good friends bartends on Tuesday night at a local spot down the street from my house. Depending on my mood during that day I will typically stop down and see her after I get out of work (second job). Obviously "single Codi" is way more likely to do this than "attached Codi" so I ended up there tonight and probably will on most Tuesdays. Really gets the mind ticking..
I miss him to death.. I really do. It's awful. But at the same time I know that this is the best. "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Right?? You can't keep putting your all into someone who isn't putting their all into you. Just isn't logical.
I found out today that he has re-activated his facebook. At first our picture was still up but he changed it. And from another source I heard that he still has "in a relationship" listed. No worries as I explicitly informed all of my informants that I want NO further details.
At this point I'm rambling. And I need to go to sleep or else risk a day full of grump. =( Even saying that reminds me of him.
God I suck at this.
Goodnight.
One of my good friends bartends on Tuesday night at a local spot down the street from my house. Depending on my mood during that day I will typically stop down and see her after I get out of work (second job). Obviously "single Codi" is way more likely to do this than "attached Codi" so I ended up there tonight and probably will on most Tuesdays. Really gets the mind ticking..
I miss him to death.. I really do. It's awful. But at the same time I know that this is the best. "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." Right?? You can't keep putting your all into someone who isn't putting their all into you. Just isn't logical.
I found out today that he has re-activated his facebook. At first our picture was still up but he changed it. And from another source I heard that he still has "in a relationship" listed. No worries as I explicitly informed all of my informants that I want NO further details.
At this point I'm rambling. And I need to go to sleep or else risk a day full of grump. =( Even saying that reminds me of him.
God I suck at this.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
hittin home
"Leap and the net will appear" - Julia Cameron
"Love everyone as best you can, but only invest in people who invest in you. Your heart and dreams are precious things, they should be in hands of people who will help to guide them, protect them and nurture them." - Mastin Kipp (TDL)
"Love everyone as best you can, but only invest in people who invest in you. Your heart and dreams are precious things, they should be in hands of people who will help to guide them, protect them and nurture them." - Mastin Kipp (TDL)
what a freakkkkk
Slept like shit. Exhausted before work. Anddd I wore his t-shirt to bed. FML. I'm sucking at this. (Although that was not one of the rules!)
Monday, October 4, 2010
day two - semi check?
Definitely strayed a little today. Whatever. Nobody is perfect. I think Mastin said to allow for some failure. It could have been worse - A LOT worse.
Anyway. Part of me feels like a twenty four (almost) year old shouldn't be responding this harshly to a breakup. I've been trying to read some blogs out there and get a feel for what people are posting. I seem to be on the drama level of the teenager bloggers out there. Who knew that a quarter way through my life and a graduate degree later I'd still be responding to heartbreak the way I did when I was 17. Forever young is a kick in the Sevens.
Good news - I slept well last night. Probably due to the whopping 4 hours of sleep I got the night before. But I'm crossing my fingers it was because of the pre-bed meditation and yoga. Exhausted myself again today. 6AM wake-up yoga session, full work day, and 30 minutes of intense cardio. A full work day is enough to make me want to crawl into bed the moment I walk through the door. Teaching can be a bitch. My job is the reason for the pseudonym (you didn't really think my name was codi love did you?) and lack of names for the people in my life - getting sniped out for writing this, is the last thing I fucking need.
It did feel weird today I must say. Somehow it felt like I just wasn't myself. Although when I was teaching I was, but then I would sit down for a second and it would all come rushing back. I hope this feeling is temporary. At least I have my students to consume my brain for the bulk of the day.
Idk whatever. Now I'm rambling. And it's time for bed.
Anyway. Part of me feels like a twenty four (almost) year old shouldn't be responding this harshly to a breakup. I've been trying to read some blogs out there and get a feel for what people are posting. I seem to be on the drama level of the teenager bloggers out there. Who knew that a quarter way through my life and a graduate degree later I'd still be responding to heartbreak the way I did when I was 17. Forever young is a kick in the Sevens.
Good news - I slept well last night. Probably due to the whopping 4 hours of sleep I got the night before. But I'm crossing my fingers it was because of the pre-bed meditation and yoga. Exhausted myself again today. 6AM wake-up yoga session, full work day, and 30 minutes of intense cardio. A full work day is enough to make me want to crawl into bed the moment I walk through the door. Teaching can be a bitch. My job is the reason for the pseudonym (you didn't really think my name was codi love did you?) and lack of names for the people in my life - getting sniped out for writing this, is the last thing I fucking need.
It did feel weird today I must say. Somehow it felt like I just wasn't myself. Although when I was teaching I was, but then I would sit down for a second and it would all come rushing back. I hope this feeling is temporary. At least I have my students to consume my brain for the bulk of the day.
Idk whatever. Now I'm rambling. And it's time for bed.
FAIL
I left my phone at home today (half on purpose) and when I returned from work I had a text message from GameStop informing me that my NBA 2k11 preorder would be in tomorrow. Howw wonderful for that to come through at a time like this. Obviously this was an order placed for ex. After an internal debate over what to do. Now, my best had texted me an hour earlier saying that he was at the gym. Knowing ex - ESPECIALLY in breakup mode - I knew he would probably still be there. I decided I would head to the gym in hopes that I would catch him there to hand him the invoice so that he could retrieve the game. (BREAKING THE CLEANSE RULES I KNOW).
My printer also chose this exact moment to SUCK anndd 3 paper jams later I gave up and emailed it to him. So much for that solution.
I went to the gym anyway, because, let's be serious here, I'm in breakup mode too. And like a DUMBASS I called him when I saw that his car was not in the gym parking lot. I told him the situation with the game and he said he would pick it up tomorrow so that I would not get charged. He was surprisingly nice/polite, which kind of freaked me out. I tried hard to stick to the topic but ended up asking him if he had anything else to say. He said no, and asked if I did. Idiotically, I said I don't know. And then proceeded to ask what the "wow" text was about yesterday. He informed me that he was just surprised to come home and see that. Which basicallyyyy says to me that he didn't really expect all the semi drunk nonsense of Saturday night to translate into a real breakup.
Much to my own surprise I did not give into this charade and simply stated that I thought he would want his things back, and I didn't mean to be rude it wasn't like I returned presents he had given me. Now at this point, typical ex would have made some sort of snide/rude remark. Instead he chose to play the nice card. Which was.. well.. nice. Anyway we got off the phone which he ended with a "talk to you later". Now typical me would have made some sort of snide/rude remark replying that no he would not. But I decided to play the nice card as well.
Mature way to handle this?
The jury is still out on that one.
My printer also chose this exact moment to SUCK anndd 3 paper jams later I gave up and emailed it to him. So much for that solution.
I went to the gym anyway, because, let's be serious here, I'm in breakup mode too. And like a DUMBASS I called him when I saw that his car was not in the gym parking lot. I told him the situation with the game and he said he would pick it up tomorrow so that I would not get charged. He was surprisingly nice/polite, which kind of freaked me out. I tried hard to stick to the topic but ended up asking him if he had anything else to say. He said no, and asked if I did. Idiotically, I said I don't know. And then proceeded to ask what the "wow" text was about yesterday. He informed me that he was just surprised to come home and see that. Which basicallyyyy says to me that he didn't really expect all the semi drunk nonsense of Saturday night to translate into a real breakup.
Much to my own surprise I did not give into this charade and simply stated that I thought he would want his things back, and I didn't mean to be rude it wasn't like I returned presents he had given me. Now at this point, typical ex would have made some sort of snide/rude remark. Instead he chose to play the nice card. Which was.. well.. nice. Anyway we got off the phone which he ended with a "talk to you later". Now typical me would have made some sort of snide/rude remark replying that no he would not. But I decided to play the nice card as well.
Mature way to handle this?
The jury is still out on that one.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
day one - check
Well - I made it through the first day. It wasn't the hardest thing in the world, but it wasn't the easiest either. I definitely wanted to text ex back on his "wow" comment, but I was good. Once the afternoon rolled in I started to get really sad and I couldn't help but continue to think about how much I was going to miss him. I know that's normal.. but still got to me.
I forgot to mention one other thing about my love cleanse. I also added another step that Mastin did not sugguest - I deactivated my facebook account. I feel that this is a good choice for me - there are far too many potential negative things for me to see on there. It is tough because I do lean on social interaction for comfort (cough cough codependency), but I just really cannot deal with the thought of seeing anything related to ex right now. I need to completely separate myself from the situation.
In better news, the yoga was nice. It definitely got my mind off of things. This is the video I used.
It was definitely very very basic, but it was just what I needed to relax and clear my head. I'd definitely recommend it. Hopefully I'll step up to harder videos by the end of the month. Any sugguestions?
Next up is some meditation and then hopefully a good night's sleep.
I forgot to mention one other thing about my love cleanse. I also added another step that Mastin did not sugguest - I deactivated my facebook account. I feel that this is a good choice for me - there are far too many potential negative things for me to see on there. It is tough because I do lean on social interaction for comfort (cough cough codependency), but I just really cannot deal with the thought of seeing anything related to ex right now. I need to completely separate myself from the situation.
In better news, the yoga was nice. It definitely got my mind off of things. This is the video I used.
It was definitely very very basic, but it was just what I needed to relax and clear my head. I'd definitely recommend it. Hopefully I'll step up to harder videos by the end of the month. Any sugguestions?
Next up is some meditation and then hopefully a good night's sleep.
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